I graduated with a master’s degree in Creative Writing in December (thank you). Since then, I am struggling to remember having completed any piece of writing. To be honest, these short sentences are all over the place, so it is probably safe to say that I haven’t completed any writing – a story, an article, anything – since then. Possibly since before then.
I have two unfinished novels in my Dropbox. I have quite a few pretty-finished-but-are-they-really? stories and more that need more fleshing out. I have had lots of ideas for articles and non-fiction, but most of them remain ideas.
I feel that this is making me too vulnerable even saying this. I worry I will write this and then leave it to fester, unpublished, in my saved posts. I worry I will come back to it in a couple of months and think ‘I’m not feeling like that anymore, I’ll delete that.’ Or, more likely, I’ll think it wasn’t well-written; feel embarrassed at my poorly-chosen words and click that satisfying ‘trash’ button.
I wasn’t just bragging about my master’s degree – it has some relevance to how I’m feeling right now. I think that the structure of a course such as this can make a person feel this way after it’s over. I think, also, that there’s a tendency for samey-ness on a CW course. I listened to a podcast recently in which the presenter talked about her problems with writing after graduating. We’re all taught to admire Chekhov and Hemingway etc but what if those stories don’t touch us? I wrote a lot of stories where I see myself trying to sound, to be, a certain way. And, of course, when this happened I would get a good grade but I wouldn’t care about the story very much. A lot of the stories I wrote for my course are things I feel disconnected from. They aren’t so much me figuring out myself as a writer, they are me parroting writers I don’t even particularly like. Which, I suppose, is common for beginning writers. But yes.
As you can probably tell from my liberal approach to punctuation today, I haven’t written for public consumption in a while. Perhaps I normally write like this. I can’t remember. I felt ridiculous telling my husband I wanted to go off and write for an hour the other day. I nearly couldn’t do it. It felt so silly of me. It’s much easier, safer, to sit and watch Netflix after working all day.
So yes, I’ve been going through a dry writing spell this year. Hopefully it will remain just a spell. Hopefully, also, I’ll figure out what this blog is about and write relevant things on it and not just use it as an old-school Livejournal sort of place. I will remember how to structure a blog post!